Wednesday, 23 November 2011


Mild-mannered intellectual husband doesn’t do social networking sites. Facebook, he says, is for birds. All this (puts on exaggerated American accent here) “sharing of feelings”, all this endless exchange of the minutiae of daily life, holiday snaps, videos of new babies yawning and cats waterskiing... It’s just not serious, is it? All this flirtatious, highly ‘social’ poking and probing, commenting and messaging.

Being a man, if you ask  him, means hovering above the charming end of the Asperger spectrum. As someone capable of coming home after his annual drink with his best friend unable to report whether the second baby, due seven months ago, has indeed been born, and of what gender, and whether elderly grandmother who had been in hospital the last time is alive or dead ("It just....didn't come up.") he finds the concept of exchanging personal information online not just alien, but unseemly.

What they need to invent, he says, is something men can use without shame. And let’s face it, the name has been staring us right in the face, ready-made you could say. What guys need is Facebloke. 

A quick survey around his (bloke-heavy) office came up with the following suggestions:  a site which would allow you to connect to multiple Mates but only once a month at the most and extremely laconically: you can send an Oi, an “Allrite??” or a “Laters”. It would feature a well run spanners –exchange, a reminder feature set to email one's wife/girlfriend at salient points in the calendar ("Xmas presents for my mum and dad - help!" or "My best mate's birthday - send card"), a chat channel devoted to grunting and would be paid for entirely through  adverts for cheap beer. The personal status setting would go "Hungry", "Very Hungry" or "Just eaten".

That was his office, as I say. Mild mannered intellectual husband would be happier with no Mates at all, just an anonymous community of gentle orc-slaying  sages running erudite forums on jazz guitars (complete with photos), philosophy ("I hear you HegelBoy5, but I think we would all agree that the paradox of Liberalism requires a more in-depth analysis .." ) and exchanging  u-tube clips of Stewart Lee's best stand-up moments.

Meanwhile the emotionally sentient end of the species (aka women) would finally reclaim the premier social networking site all to themselves and use it for what it really is for: dishing the dirt on men, or bitching about their mothers.
Nobody, and I mean nobody, male or female, is in their heart of hearts actually interested in other people's pictures featuring holidays, newborn babies and waterskiing cats.

Legal Warning: Facebloke is now trademarked with all intellectual rights belonging to Paolabi’. Yes, I’m talking to you Mark Zuckerberg. If you had invented would have invented Facebloke. Now, not another peep out of you!

1 comment:

  1. I gather from this, Paolabi', that you have had the good taste to marry a sound denizen of our fine shores. Apart from the orc-slaying sages, that is. But no-one's perfect. Good luck to him on Facebloke.